COFFEE TALK
On a blue-sky Colorado Sunday stroll to Starbucks, my wife Pat and I discussed our neighbor who has an amazing ability to antagonize anyone who comes within 20 feet of her. Quoting the FedEx driver, “She’s a piece of work!” At war with the entire world, she seems perpetually postured to attack anyone about anything.
Once inside our familiar coffee stop we ordered our standards: a skinny, extra hot caramel macchiato for her and a soy chai for me. Some things never change. We sat by our favorite window and continued our conversation. What caused our neighbor’s hostile disposition? Maybe, as a kid, she got whatever she wanted by being demanding and confrontational and thus she adopted it as a lifestyle? Maybe she frequently felt wronged or cheated and decided she must always fight to protect herself?
Each of us can point to significant past events that have shaped our lives. However, we humans are complex creatures and a multitude of factors determine who we become. Our neighbor’s history cannot fully explain her toxicity. The same events affect people differently: two brothers raised by the same parents, attending the same schools with the same group of friends can turn out differently. One becomes a pilot; the other is continually unemployed.
Pat’s caramel macchiato was called out. I fetched it and we continued talking. Self-responsibility is one powerful factor that affects who we become. When something goes wrong, many people like our neighbor tend to fix the blame fast, certain that the cause of a problem has little to do with them. It’s their supervisor, the
government, the weather, their parents, their children, the stupid car…the list goes on.
Advocates of self-responsibility recommend that when we are tempted to blame others that we instead look inward and examine our own role in the matter. We can do that by asking, “How did I
create that?” or “What could I have done to produce a different result?”
My desire for chai interrupted my thoughts. The barista apologized sincerely and said she would get right on it. Her smile was contagious.
Without a beat, Pat and I speculated that our neighbor spends little or no time exploring self-responsibility. She believes she’s justified in blaming unfair and hostile circumstances that are beyond her control. What is the correlation between challenging circumstances and negative approaches to life?
Some people, even those with enviable circumstances, are just plain miserable. For confirmation, read any entertainment tabloid. Then, there are people like actor Christopher Reeve who transcended a tragic, paralyzing spinal cord injury to become an inspiring model of hope and courage.
I heard the call for a vanilla latte and asked if it was intended for me. It was, the barista confirmed. I reminded her that I ordered a soy chai. Her eyes widened. She apologized again and assured me my drink would be ready in moments. Pat and I speculated that if our neighbor’s order had been botched twice she’d be furious and everyone within earshot would know it.
We’ve all witnessed people rage at store clerks and fume at cab drivers. The outcome is never positive. The only net is exhaustion and sleepless nights. There must be an effective alternative to this self-abuse.
My soy chai got a shout out. The barista seemed relieved.
After I indulged in a few delicious sips, we launched into a discussion about effective alternatives to becoming upset and blaming others. Most of what we think is real or true is nothing more than personal interpretation. I’ve worked with many couples in troubled relationships. Hearing both sides of their stories (call them interpretations), I find the two stories have little in common. The two parties live in different realities.
It is possible to seek interpretations that are useful and empowering. Was the Starbucks staff untrained, uncaring and incompetent? Not likely. Committed employees made a few mistakes. We didn’t take it personally. As we left, the store manager apologized and gave us two coupons for free coffee. We wondered if our neighbor was
ever this fortunate.
In Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who survived a Nazi concentration camp, wrote “Everything can be taken from a man but...the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
We cannot change the cards we are dealt, but we can always choose how to play the hand. •
