I just got back from a cruise and, boy, are my arms tired…

Actually, my whole body is exhausted—which, I suppose, is what happens when you sign up for every activity on your average modern-day megaship. On the other hand, between the boxing ring, the climbing wall and other activities, I also accomplished a feat that has quite possibly never been seen before in the annals of cruising: I lost weight. Even better, no one was subjected to the sight of yours truly in a tank top and yoga pants.

And yet, I confess a nagging concern. In a world where ships already boast zip lines and skating rinks, how are the cruise lines going to maintain the momentum and keep boredom at bay? Someone has to keep putting the “zing” in cruising, which is why I hereby offer the following suggestions to any cruise line gutsy enough to put them in place:

Cruise-ship catapult: Sure, a zip line’s a lot of fun, but for a real thrill, how about a catapult? Simply keep your life jacket from the muster drill, climb into the bucket and sproinnngggg! It’s just you, the sky and a whole lot of ocean. Just make sure they deploy a lifeboat before you sign the waiver.

Sumo-suit Olympics: Boxing ring, schmoxing ring. Why mess around with jabs and uppercuts when you can don an inflatable sumo suit and use your entire body to crush the competition? And boxing could be just the beginning. How about sumo volleyball, sumo table tennis, and sumo track and field? The options are almost endless, although I’d suggest holding off on the archery for now.

On-board eating contests: Forget belly-flop contests and hairy-back competitions. If the human body is, as they say, a temple, then nothing says “oh…my…god” like a good old-fashioned eating contest. I realize, of course, that every cruise is essentially an eating contest, but if you modeled it after the pie-eating match in the movie “Stand By Me,” no one would gain a pound.

Would that be awesome or what? I mean, c’mon, with activities like these, you’d never get bored or gain weight. Every cruise would be a nonstop parade of heart-pounding, calorie-burning excitement, so much so that you’d probably end up as exhausted as I was after my recent trip.

I’m telling you, between my aching muscles and the hordes of other disembarking passengers, that catapult would’ve come in mighty handy.